January 1, Burglar Poops Pants, Calls Police for Rescue

In a bizarre turn of events, an alleged burglar found himself in a “sh*tty” situation, as reported by The Augusta Press. The suspect, Brandon Thorne, called the police for help on Wednesday after he pooped his pants while stuck inside a downtown high-rise.

Authorities came to the rescue of Thorne, who had soiled himself, after midnight from the 15th floor of the building that housed offices for Vision Wireless, according to The Augusta Press. Feces were discovered on the seat of the 22-year-old suspect’s trousers and the furniture he had been sitting on.

Thorne initially claimed that he entered the building to escape two people who were attempting to kidnap him, authorities said. However, once inside the building, Thorne allegedly opened brand new cellphones on office desks and discharged a fire extinguisher, according to reports.

The suspect later confessed that there were no kidnappers looking for him after police brought him downstairs, as reported by The Augusta Press. Despite this admission, Thorne refused to provide a reason for allegedly breaking into the building.

Thorne was subsequently charged with a felony, criminal attempted burglary. He was booked into the Charles B. Webster Detention Center, where he remained Sunday night due to his inability to make a $5,700 bond, according to the outlet.

This is not the first time Thorne has faced bathroom-related charges in Aiken. In November 2022, he was fined $257 for alleged public urination, as reported by the outlet.

Why It Matters (op-ed)

The story of Brandon Thorne, the pooping burglar, highlights the degradation of our society. Criminals like Thorne roam our streets, terrorizing citizens and businesses alike.

Our law enforcement officers are left to clean up their messes, both figuratively and literally. Thorne’s ridiculous tale of kidnappers is a pathetic attempt to avoid consequences for his actions.

The fact that Thorne has faced previous bathroom-related charges shows that our justice system is failing us. A mere $257 fine for public urination clearly wasn’t enough to deter him from committing further crimes.

It’s time we demand stricter punishments for criminals like Thorne, who continue to make a mockery of our society and our law enforcement.

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